Joke Time...........

[thistle4celtic1]

A good-looking lady,upon hitting 45 realises that she's starting to see a few extra wrinkles around her face and neck,so she pays a visit to to the cosmetic surgery clinic and asks the doctor if he will give her a facelift.

The doc explains to her that he could but that having to come back every few years for further facelifts could get expensive and suggests that she opt for the latest "trick" in the business called the 'screw' .....which is a one-time only procedure.

He explains to her that it involves a simple operation to insert a screw type device on the top of her head(under her hair) and that every time she sees some new wrinkles forming all she has to do is give the device a "quarter-turn" and it will tighten up any loose skin that has appeared.

Twenty years pass and the now 60-something woman calls the original physician and tells him she is experiencing what seems to be two major problems.He immediately sets up an appointment for her.

She visits the doctor's office the next day and explains that for the last 20 years she had been giving the device a little twist every few weeks and that the "screw" has worked wonderfully until recently when (the first problem) huge bags started forming under her eyes.

The doctor took a closer look and said to her "Ma'am,you have been using the "screw" far too often...those aren't bags under your eyes,those are your breasts"

The lady replies "Well I guess that explains the goatee,then"

[sixsandsevens]

omg that is wicked great. lol lol

[ssbrotton]

that is one of the funniest jokes that i have heard in a long time

[goatchaser]

ThistleCeltic1...How dare you Post a pic of My girlfriend as Your Avatar!!

[ssbrotton]

ThistleCeltic1...How dare you Post a pic of My girlfriend as Your Avatar!!

goat

A picture of you girlfriend!!! Gee I am really wondering about yout taste in women.

brot

[Rocky]

The only survivor of a shipwreck while out fishing, Barien washed ashore on a desert island in the middle of the gulf. He managed to find food and water, and didn't mind the solitude, but he grew horny as hell. So when a sheep walked down the beach one day, he dragged the beast back to his hut and jumped it. (baaaaa)

But just as he was starting to get it on, a big dog ran out of the woods and began to attack him, and in trying to defend himself from the dog, Barry had to let the sheep go.

In the weeks that followed, the sheep appeared regularly, but every time Barry tried to get romantic with her, the son of a bitchen dog would materialize and attack him viciously.

Weeks and months went by and Barry grew hornier and hornier, until his salvation appeared: a lovely(actually Barry thought she was the most ravishing creature he ever saw but...) woman washed up on the shore sporting shiny red shoes. She was half drowned, looking like a wet puppy and her clothes were barely covering her most private parts. Luckily Barry was able to resuscitate her, and when she came to, she was grateful beyond words and told a tale of some tornado or something whipping her up in the sky and landing her close to shore and passing a couple of others in the sky one with and one without a parachute. But thats a tale for another day.

"You saved my life," she sobbed. "I would have drowned. How may I repay you? I'll do anything, just name it...Anything!"

"Okay," commanded Barry. "Hold that dog."
...
bada bing, bada bang
any similarity to actual events names or places to anyone living or dead or reported dead is a pure coininkydinkce

trivia;
for a picture of those red shoes on barrys "date" see the avator of thistle4celtic
after the story;
The woman and the dog became the best of friends and the dog still loves the water- jumping in it every chance he gets or just waits in the tub for the water to come on.
As for Barry every once in a while a "note in a bottle" has popped up and some have sworn that theyve seen him or his ghost around these parts. We can only hope that he remains on that deserted island of his own free will and that he is well.
links;
heres a link to the above story in pictures...
http://www.thehumorarchives.com/attachment_files/island2.jpg

[ssbrotton]

Rocky

Very funny!!!! I especially liked the part about the red shoes. Of course how could I miss the big dog either.

brot

[Masterquick]

A guy from Boston has been feeling poorly, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor ask the guy what's wrong. The guy tells him that he's not sleeping and tires easily and feels stressed. So the doctor gives him the once over. After the exam, the doctor ask the guy to give him some background information. The guy says, well i graduated 1st in my class from Harvard, I own a business, and I work alot. The doctor says to the guy, ok here's what I want you to do. I want you to get out of the city life, otherwise you'll be dead in 6 months.

So following the doctors advice, the guy sells his business, house, boat and his other luxuries. He goes out and buys an old beat up truck, and heads for West Virginia, where he buys 300 acres, out in the middle of nowhere.

He decides to build his own house and starts on it as soon as possible.
He has all the materials delivered and proceeds to start.

Almost a year passes and the guy finally finishes his house, all this time he has not even seen another person.

One morning he's sitting out on his front porch, and he sees something off in the distance. As the object gets closer, the guy realizes it's a hillbilly on horseback.


The hillbilly finally reaches the house and stops. He gets off his horse and says, Howdy, i'm your neighbor and i live over that thar ridge. The guy stands up and says, wow it's good to meet you, i didn't even know i had any neighbors.

The hillbilly says, well i come by to invite ya to a party Saturday night. The guy says back, thanks that's great, i haven't even seen another person in almost a year, i'll be there.

The hillbilly says, I gotta warn ya, there might be some drinkin'. The guy replies, that won't bother me, i haven't had a drink since i've been out here, I'm about ready for a snort of whiskey.

Then the hillbilly says, There might be some fightn' too. The guy replies, that won't bother me, i was captain of the boxing team in college, if it comes down to it, i think i can handle myself in a fight.

Then the hillbilly says, there's one more thing, might be some sex. The guy replies, that won't bother me, i haven't seen a woman, much less had sex with one in almost a year.

So the hillbilly starts riding off and says, allright i'll see ya saturday night.

Before the hillbilly gets out of sight, the guy runs off his porch, and starts screaming at the hillbilly, STOP, STOP.

The hillybilly stops and turns around, and the guy hollers out to him, What do i wear to this party?

The hillbilly shouts back, It don't matter, it's just gonna be me and you!

[thistle4celtic1]

The"speck in the distance brings another one to mind".........


Guy goes parachuting for the first time and jumps from 10,000 feet.He struggles with the ripcord and can't get it to open the chute.

At around 5,000 feet he looks down and notices a small speck down on the ground.He struggles some more and starts to get pretty worried.

He looks down again and notices the little speck is getting larger and actually coming towards him.

At about 2,000 feet in and in a state of complete panic he realises it is another guy actually coming up from the ground towards him.

As they cross each others' paths around 1,000 feet,the parachutist shouts to the other guy..."Hey Buddy,you know anything about parachutes?"

To which the other guy replies..."No, I don't...do you know anything about propane tanks?"